One of the drawbacks about typically being described as "Little Miss Sunshine" is that when you have a day that you're partly cloudy, people seem to notice and they want to know why. Sometimes you're just not ready to share and sometimes it is just too painful to share. Today happened to be one of those days. While getting the flowers ready for church, my partner in crime, Deb Veldhouse, asked me if I was okay today -- was I feeling all right? Somewhat surprised that it was actually apparent, I did share with her that today was a rather difficult day. It is the 10th anniversary of my brother's passing. While this date comes and goes every year it is very unreal to think that an entire decade of my life has gone by without him in it. For the better part of my life he played a large part. Jim was more than just a brother -- since he was 14 years older he was like a father to me. I looked up to him from my earliest memory and would do anything for him always knowing that there was nothing he wouldn't do for me. His love for me was unconditional and I can honestly say that I ever remember being mad at him or upset with him nor do I recall him being mad at me. Jim was someone I could talk to about truly anything and he always knew whether to respond in a serious, advice giving manner or a crack-me-up manner.
After I was finished with flowers, I drove to the cemetery. As I approached his grave in the car I noticed tire tracks in the grass beside the drive. Seeing this I knew that my dad had probably already been here as he still is a regular there. I don't think he goes every day as he did for the first couple of years but he frequently goes there as they were together every day when he was alive. I spent a little time there and shed a few tears. I then decided that I would go home and do a few household tasks and head to Adoration at Garner. I am so glad that I made time for that hour today. The readings really spoke to me today and Father Miller's message greatly applied to things that I am feeling today -- speaking about the spirit being what binds the body and soul together as well as separating life absorbed in things of the flesh compared to living life focusing on the way of the spirit. As I sat in church today in Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament, tears flowed and I allowed them to. I don't really like to cry and I really don't like people to know that I do cry. It's just a little thing I share with my mom. I can probably count the number of times I have seen my mother cry but oddly enough my dad's tears will flow rather freely. We're really not always strong and when we do "break" we normally do so in a very private setting. Maybe that's part of the reason Mike deems me as an "ice queen".
Despite being in desperate need of a nap, I went to visit my mom this afternoon. She had made one of Jim's favorites, deviled eggs so I got a little treat. We sat and talked about what a good visit she had when my cousin Don and his wife, Lois, came this week. They were on their way to the twin cities to embark on a Mississippi river cruise to St. Louis and wanted to stop and see my folks. Mom also said that she and Dad had a good talk this morning over their morning coffee as he was actually in the mood to talk. Mom said she had mused about what is it like to die? Dad said, "Well, I think we might be finding out for ourselves soon, don't ya think?" I guess at 88 and 86 years that might be something they think about often. There are other things that Mom would like to discuss with him but today wasn't the day...perhaps tomorrow. Mom is now in a phase where she feels the need to get everything ready for us when she and Dad passes. She spoke today of finding all of their life insurance policies and other things and getting them all together. Some people might see this as a little morbid but I see it as very practical and matter of fact. Mom is also quite worried about making sure she and Dad (most of her worries are about Dad) are "right with the Lord". Unfortunately, they do not attend their church due to some unfortunate church "politics" as well as their more recent physical inability to do so. Their minister is not a "warm, fuzzy" person and has never paid them a visit or probably by now does not even know their name (lucky for him with their last names being "Smith" at least he will be able to pronounce it at the funeral!). I wish we could find someone who could visit them and talk with them about their spiritual life. This is something I think about more and more lately and I guess I will just have to keep praying for an answer.
After visiting my mom for a while I came home and took a nap. The internet was down for most of the day today so I just thought I would check it out while watching some TV and -- ta-da! We're back on-line. Maybe it was divine intervention -- God's way of letting me get my feelings out into the open.
Just a teaser for my next post -- I have most happy news that I cannot share yet! I just have to keep my excited squeals to myself for now!
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